Hollow

Is this supposed to be
What’s left
Of me?

I no longer have
A clue.

Questions

How do you do it?
How do you take a mess
And turn it into art?
With changes to the piece?
Or a change of

perspective…

Spotlight

I’m standing in the spotlight
Ready to perform a dance
I’ve rehearsed
Day in
day out.
A dance I learnt when I was
12
Called

self-loathing.

It was supposed to be
A dance
That no one should have learnt
But every time I practice
The room is full of us.
Standing by the mirror,
Drawing lines with our
Minds
Of everything to unwind.
Every imperfection of any kind;
Writhing through the light to escape
to the shadows.

We are one in the same.

Continuously rehearsing

Over
And over
And over again

Until our feet bleed and our muscles collapse,
Because no matter how much the mirror is lying to us,
The music of our anxiety drowns it out,
Until all that is left

Is skin

And bone.

Until we can no longer stand,
Because the fight has left us.

We
Are the unlucky ones,
Who are ready,
To perform.

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“Present”

I am lost.

The smell of you that lingers on my clothes
That clings to the depths of me,
Remembers times when we were together;
When you washed over me
Like no ocean ever could.
You drowned me in waves
Of belonging so fast,
I had to repeat my name
Again and again to make sure
It hadn’t entwined with
Yours.

Too much.

Too late.

I am alone.

And I’m following a path that leads to
Nowhere.

But you were here;
My compass.

Although, I guess I should have realised
You were broken
When instead of pointing north
You pointed directly to my heart,
But I loved that.
I love you.
It just . . .
Feels different now.
Like I’m supposed to know which
Direction to go
When my compass has
Fallen
In two.

And yet If every word I’d ever spoken,
Was stolen from my lungs,
I’d still write you songs
I’d never sing,
Because you are my
Symphony.
You are the tune stuck on
Repeat
That I cannot get out of my head,
But secretly,
I like it.

Except,

The turntable’s slowing,
And everything is now

Half…

…Speed

Like a school kid in class
My name is called;
I reply “here”
But not present.

And the teacher signs me in anyway
Because who really knows
the difference?

Fall

You pull us close,
Hearts beating side by side,
The touch of your lips;
while we sleep,
It’s the heaven I only dream of.
There is no more lust,
Only love.
The earth has shattered and we’re still falling;
Falling for each other like the first time we kissed,
It’s bliss.
Holding you…
Is everything.

But if everything has an end,
Then you’re not my everything.
Because if this were to end…

Don’t even say it.

I can’t take it,
I will shatter the floor beneath us
Until it’s enough to break us free.
I will shout
I will scream,
Until I cannot breathe.
The thought can force me down,
And I’ll sink far enough to taste the ground
we walk on
But these rocks between my teeth,
Will teach me dignity…
Not fear.

I will get back up;
I will whisper you sunrises
And steal you the stars.
I will walk this road a thousand times until it becomes “ours.”
But I’ll never count the last leaves of the fall,
Or settle in the colder air;
I want to sit between seasons
And watch the world stare,

Because with you…

Limbo can forever be enough.

I want to sit in this space forever.
This empty part of me is whole in here,
It blends in like water colours in the rain,
You are my paintbrush,
That paints away the pain.
Fill this life with endless wonder,
But make the sky the limit,
Because if you go too far,

I’m afraid.

I might let go.

Carving Tears

All I’m asking is one thing.
Don’t do this to me,
My heart is just too thin.
I can feel the fragments of my mind
Falling deeper under ground,
Only to be found
By those that will unwind.

Those
Boney fingers
Sratching the surface,
Heavy with the weight of lying;
Fear, dread and hate.
Digging further
And further
And

Further…

Using nails sharp as knives,
Carving tears into the walls.
And with pure black chalk,
Creating darkness to erase
The stars,
Replacing them

With scars.

Believe me…

If I were to paint the sky,
With the colour I find
beneath your eyes,
The grey clouds
And rainy days
Would be but
A distant memory.

The Love of You

If I were to line my heart,
with fingerprints
and fireflies,
I’d forget the lights
and fray my mind,
to keep the love of you.

False Advertising

When I tell you I love you,
I don’t say it lightly.
It doesn’t just roll off my tongue,
it takes effort.
Like how planes have to reach speeds before they fly,
Like how the earth has to keep turning or we’d fall out the sky,
I can’t just say “I love you” and not mean it.

When I was 5, love meant family.
When I was 10 I learnt that love can sometimes break,
When I was 15 I learnt that picking up pieces of broken glass
will do more damage than just leaving them,
When I was 18, I no longer knew what love was.
True I had knowledge,
But it’s like an advert for a product you haven’t got,
you can reiterate what they tell you,
but until you’ve owned it
you don’t know.
You can’t teach people the secrets,
you can’t explain how it works,
you can’t recommend it to anyone,

Because you don’t know.

When I was 18, I finally bought it.
I finally bought into the thought that this would be a good idea.
Because getting hurt wasn’t in the item description
Damages were covered with a fresh coat of paint,
And I was getting something used,
but it was advertised as new.

And surprise surprise…
it broke.

And I had nothing left to do.
No receipt was given to me,
No return terms and conditions,
this broken thing in my hands was all I had left.
The pieces of glass wedged between my fingers where his hands uncomfortably sat,
The scratches on my heart when a week in he told me “I love you.”
It didn’t work, but nor did I want it to.
So I smashed it up,
I beat it down,
because what it gave me wasn’t what I paid for.
I deserved more.

So I exchanged it.

I traded for something new.
And along with that came
something borrowed
something old
and something blue.

I traded for you.

Because when you hold my hand
you do it right,
you accepted me when I said
“Turn off the light”
Your words left me with sparks,
not bruises
and when you said “I love you”
You meant it.

You came with a lifetime Guarantee
because you were made from different parts,
When every part of me ends,
I know that’s where you start.
You made me spell “love” like I was learning for the first time

L: Like nothing I’ve ever known before
O: Obstacles don’t seem so scary when I’m with you
V: Veins that no longer carry my blood but yours,
E: Everyday I’m with you is like new.

I’ve never wanted to learn so much in my life,
And you’re the kind of teacher I’d never had.
You taught me that being me,
Was beautiful.

So when I tell you

“I love you”

I don’t say it lightly.

In the Night

As the candle burns
The flickering dies
And the night sky holds you close.
“Don’t let your heart cry,”
She says,
“Because your mind is only there
To fool you.”